To appease my thesis advisor Jon Cogburn, what follows is my Student Government victory speech from Fall of 2005. He and I decided to write the most arrogant victory speech ever, and wanted to see how far we could take the satire of the moment. This is co-written by the two of us, and was delivered stone-faced to the Senate.

What's funny is that only like, seven or so people in the room got the joke or could tell that I was joking. Many were nodding their heads as I talked, assuming that I was merely giving a lecture as to why it was reasonable to call me the "Imperator" of Student Government, and that I was a great leader in the mold of Socrates and Jesus Christ.

Cogburn never could handle the fact that we wrote this script for a very small audience, and that it was always going to fall flat on its face to most of the room.

As a bonus for those actually reading, the last line was expurgated from the text at the request of Heath Hattaway due to it being too insensitive to the religious people in the room; I always thought that I would lose religious people with the second sentence in which I overtly compare myself to Jesus Christ, but I trust my religious friends to be more on the ball about this than me.

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Approximately every 2500 years, there are fundamental shifts in human consciousness brought about by prophets, philosophers, and teachers. Tragically, as history has shown with the sad examples of Socrates and Jesus Christ, all too often great men are martyred and marginalized for this virtue and excellence; I think it speaks highly of the LSU student body that on October 20 the students comported themselves with more nobility than is their rightful lot, irrespective of gender, race, and creed, and chose me to once again lead the Judicial Branch of LSU’s Student Government.

Just as Athens was the melting pot of ancient civilization, so too is LSU the melting pot of our great state’s higher educational system. Now, most of you probably don’t know this, but Athena was both the goddess of wisdom and the deity from which the city of Athens derives its name. Further- and this might come as a shock to most of you- but Athena was the creator of democracy and the very reason I stand before you this evening.

Yea, I stand before you, humbly triumphant. Not because of a mere electoral victory that was always assured- nay, inevitable, as the earth turns upon its axis and as the sun rises in the east- but because the students of LSU have thrown off the shackles of history itself: for seemingly the first time, Socrates has been saved and his legacy assured. The enemies of vitue have been cast down.

I am not a petty man in victory, and I would like to use this chance to urge my acolytes towards greater magnanimity: so please join me in calling for a moment of silence in honour of those misguided men and women who failed to receive as large of an electoral mandate as myself: though others have received the mandate of the people, I have received the mandate of heaven itself.

(PAUSE)

Stay your hands, good senators. I am a humble man. I do not presume to know God's will. Thus, who am I to suggest that God's hand was not at work in this election? How dare I blaspheme and even mouth the possibility that I was not chosen by God? Would you have me contend that God is fallible?

Hardly.

Yesterday, men and women did what God clearly wished for them to do. I cannot take pleasure in this event: I am only one man confronted by divinity. I can only do what God placed me here to do: stare sweet Destiny in her face and reflect with awe at the enormity of the task which is before me, a task that even Atlas would shrink from in fear. I will shrug and bear my burden, and my suffering shall be your sacrament.

Might I remind you that I lead just Julius Casear led before me during the Civil War of the First Triumvirate, granting amnesty to all unfortunate enough to oppose the will of the Juliae. Those who raised arms against Caesar were forgiven and embraced to his bosom like the errant children the were: those who raised arms against him twice, however, were not so fortunate.

(STERN GLANCE)

As young men and women weaned on television and the internet we- as a society- have forgotten the language of civilization itself, Latin. In fact, the English word “emperor” is derived from the Latin “imperator,” which Caesar was proclaimed by his troops shortly before crossing the Rubicon. Although we think of emperor as a hereditary title, in Rome it was the proper designation of a victorious general. As we know, there are different types of wars, and it fills me with great humility and awe to stand before you vitorious in the war of ideas, chosen by the students, for the students, as a student myself.

History is replete with other such victors, other such lawgivers, if you will: Cyrus the Great, Hammurabi, Moses, FDR, Jefferson…. Today, a new Lawgiver stands before you: Neal Hebert.

So who is Neal Hebert? A man who came before you, the Senate, twice, not triumphant but as a beggar, seeking only to reform the various rules which govern this august body of student government. And, just as my forebears had before me, you as a body have demonstrated uncharacteristic wisdom in the ratification of said codes.

Neal Hebert is a servant. A servant who will never die, but only fade away, leaving only the echo of his promise: “We can. We will.” I accept the mandate entrusted to me and will continue to serve as a University Court Justice. Whenever you feel doubt as to the enduring nature of my promise to the students, look to the sky; for the rest of time, the rainbow shall remain the sign of my covenant.

Neal Hebert
Chief Justice, University Court